dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
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She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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