I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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