I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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