I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Shitshow foam night was such a success
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It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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