It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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