Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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