I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
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you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
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There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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