somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize