my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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