1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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