mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
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Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
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I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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