I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
