it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
