so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
