I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
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Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
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Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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