Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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