I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
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but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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