The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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You ate ashes out of my bong
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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