I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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