whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
then he tried to convert me to islam
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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