If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
