guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
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It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
FUCK WHALES
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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