My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
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its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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