I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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