Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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