i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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