Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
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I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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