well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
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You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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