mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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