have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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