You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
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Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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