Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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