Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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