I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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