I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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