he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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