You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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