So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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