I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
