the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
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I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's rum buckets o'clock
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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