You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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