i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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