I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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