Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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