hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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