dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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