What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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