Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize