last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
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You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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