I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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