Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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