Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
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She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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